


close your eyes and play pretend.

by Amonet



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Basically Baz is insecure and Simon tries to help, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Talks, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 04:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12335073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amonet/pseuds/Amonet
Summary: “Can we just eat together today?” Simon asked Baz and put down two plates on the living room table with more force than strictly necessary. The table shook a bit and some water swapped out of the vase with the half-dead flowers in it. “I haven’t seen you all week, can we just… eat?”Simon's had a long week. All he wants is to sit down, relax and have a nice evening with his boyfriend. It doesn't look like that's going to happen.





	close your eyes and play pretend.

 

 

**close your eyes and play pretend.**

_“I don’t trust anybody. Not anybody. And the more that I care about someone, the more sure I am they’re going to get tired of me and take off.”_

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

 

 

 

“Can we just eat together today?” Simon asked Baz and put down two plates on the living room table with more force than strictly necessary. The table shook a bit and some water swapped out of the vase with the half-dead flowers in it. “I haven’t seen you all week, can we just… eat?”

“It’s early, Simon, I’ll eat later. I’ll sit with you if you want and watch you gulf down your pizza. You’d think I never feed you with the way you look at it.” Baz was clearly trying really hard to sound playful but it just came out strung out and annoyed and Simon could tell that he wouldn’t take any further discussions well today. 

“I like your food! But it’s not pizza, Baz. Sometimes I just want pizza." Simon sighed. "And you never eat with me, you just cook and leave.  And it’s not because it’s too early - I might be a bit stupid sometimes, but not that stupid, Baz. Just sit and eat with me!”

"Snow." Baz didn't even try to hide the annoyance this time. "I'll eat later."

"When I'm in bed. Like you always do. And then you'll sneak out and be gone half the night. Like you always are. And I'll wake up and wonder where you are and find you asleep on the sofa. Like I always do. Just eat with me. Is it that hard to just sit here and eat?"

 

"Simon." This time it was clearly a warning.

"No! Don't `Simon´ me. Just sit and eat. Please, Baz." _Come on._ Simon thought. _Just do what I say for once in your life._  

"Simon, there are some things you just don't want see." Baz voice sounded calmer now and Simon knew that wasn't a good sign. Baz got calmer the angrier he was. 

 

"I think I can decide-" Simon started.

 

"No! Believe me. You don't want to see me feed on rats and you don't want to have me sitting next to you at the dinner table chewing my food - and you know why? Because I'm a bloody vampire, Simon, that's why. I have fangs! That doesn't exactly look too nice, you know? Big, ugly fangs, in my mouth. They pop out when I eat, when I feed, sometimes when you kiss me, when I sleep too close to you, when we have sex. You know what's unsexy? Me accidentally biting off your dick." Baz voice was thick with anger, but every time Simon tried to take a step towards him he flinched back, raising his hands in a defensive gesture.

"None of that is going to happen. I trust you, Baz." Simon said.

"No, you don't. You better don't. You just need to leave these things alone. Don't ask me about them, don't talk to me, not when I can't sleep and sneak out. Don't find me on the sofa. I promise you that I'll always do my best to come back, but I need you to leave me alone for this. It doesn't have to concern you." Baz had stood in the doorframe until now, but he moved a bit towards Simon now, hands calmly raised in front of him.

"Baz!"

 

"There are some things you don't need to know. I can promise you that - when the day comes and there is something new to fight, magic, the apocalypse, the third world war, taxes, whatever - I will not fight against you, ever. I will do my best to always protect you and there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep you safe, you know that, but until then you just need to leave these things alone. It's my job to protect you. I'm not gonna make you look at something that makes you throw up."

_I don't need you to look me in the eye when we're having sex. I don't need you to say my name. I don't need you to hold my hand when we walk the streets after dark. I don't need you to take off your cross and put it in a box somewhere far, far away. I don't need you to promise me forever. I don't need you to tell me you love me. I'm not gonna force you to do that - I've got what I always wanted - Simon Snow, waiting for me to come home to him. It's much more than I could ever deserve, so who would I be to ask for more._

"I want you to be happy, Simon. I'm not doing this because I want to rile you up or to make you upset, I'm doing this because I know better than you - just accept it, Snow."

 "You're an ass, you know that. And an idiot. A complete idiot!" Simons' voice was loud and he couldn't help the way it was shaking. 

"Simon."

"No! You think I'd throw up, just from seeing you eat. I've seen it before. It's not that scary. They are basically just big teeth, really! Get over it! And I haven't seen you feed. Well, that doesn't mean I'd mind. I'm your boyfriend, I've seen you shit, I don't think you draining a rat is going to make me run." He threw his hands in the air, exasperated.

"That's such a daft thing to say, I can't even believe it. I'm venomous, Simon. I could kill you. I could turn you. Do you even know what that means?" Baz says, wretched and miserable.

"I want to be with you. Regardless of your likeliness to accidentally kill me, I want to be with you. I don't care. And I am so sick of having this conversation over and over again." Simon felt the actual urge to throw something very solid against the wall and watch it shatter.

 

"Just leave, then. I'm not going to make you stay, I think I ruined you enough already." Baz sounded broken and every urge to destruct left Simon with the same breath. "The girl at your work likes you, by the way. She's really nice and she's pretty so, yeah. I don't- You deserve that! You deserve someone like her, I'm not- I can't...  I know I took it away from you, but you deserve this. And I'm done standing in the way of your happiness. Because it's just making us both miserable and angry. I never thought I could have this. What we had is more than I thought I'd ever get. I love you. And if you're happy then I'll be alright." Tears were dripping from Baz cheeks onto his shirt but he didn't seem to care. "You don't need to be happy with me, here. You don't owe me, Simon! I just want you happy and safe." His voice was shaking and he got cut off by sobs. "I don't want to ruin you. You need to be happy, you just..."

 

"Baz." Simon's could feel his eyes get wet. "You didn't ruin me."

"I did. I'm sorry..."

"Look at me." Baz turned away. "No, just look at me for a moment and concentrate on what I'm saying because I'm only saying it once, okay! This is what you've done to me, Baz: You've ruined me for everyone else. Look around you." Baz looked up, but he wouldn't meet Simons gaze.

 

Simon pointed towards the mantelpiece. "That snow globe, you got it for me in Brussel just because it made you think of me and that spoon in that mug is from Watford and you took it for me because I said I missed the stupid spoons with the golden W." he took a deep breath, trying to clear his voice.

"You got me chocolate in Austria because the cow on the packaging was purple and that reminded you of that trip we took where I made you spell a cow pink. Look around you, look at you: You got the yellow sofa, even though you hate it, and we can't actually afford it because I was talking about it for weeks. You stopped putting that awful gel in your hair because I told you I like it better this way, with your hair all soft."

He gestured at his body. "This jumper you got me because I called you from work and said that there is no heating in my office. So, in your 30 Minute Lunch Break, you bought a new jumper and then drove 25 minutes to my office to give it to me so I wouldn't get cold again. And I know you got in big trouble because you showed up way too late for your class, but you didn't care. Because I'm important to you. More important than your favourite classes professor liking you best, of all his students, more important than him picking you as his assistant.

“You cook for me every night even though you hardly ever eat any of it. You ask me what I want to eat and you cook for me and you sit on the breakfast bar afterwards and watch me wash the dishes and laugh when I drop something. You never complain about my flaws. I have wings and a tail and even though they’re invisible most of the time they are still there and they don’t freak you out, for some reason.

"I leave my socks everywhere and you tease me, God knows you do – but you still put them in the washing, no matter how often you threaten not to. You let me wear your sweaters and I know that you like seeing me in them, and I like it to. I like to look in the mirror and see proof that we belong together.

"You never complain when I cry at night or when I get nightmares. You come back to bed and you hug me and you tell me that it’s going to be alright. And you never – not even once complain that I keep you up. I don’t even have magic anymore, but you never ever say a word about it. You don’t blame me. You take me for who I am.

“And you always act like these things are no big deal, but they are. You wouldn't have to do any of them, but you do them. And every day you get up and do more of them. You take care of me in every way you can.

"There is no such thing as deserving someone, but if there were, you could pick whoever you wanted because you'll make them feel happy and perfect and so, so loved, for every day of their lives."

 

Simon took Baz face in his hands, wiped the tears of Baz' cheek with the sleeves of his sweater and turned his head carefully, so he looked at him.

"I don't care if you're a vampire. I don't care if you have fangs or if you drink blood. I care if you tell me if you have a problem or if you’re feeling unwell, I care if you are safe and well and happy. Because these are the things that matter to me. I love you and I'll never stop telling you that, not until the day I die, but I need you to believe me. Because I don't want you to question yourself like that. I take you for who you are, not some imaginary version of you. And I'm not leaving you. You don't scare me." Simon's voice was soft and he forced Baz to look directly into his eyes. "I'm happy. I'm not scared of you. I'm not leaving. I love you." He smiled. “Tell me that you know that. Just repeat it.”

 

“What?” Baz voice was barely more than a whisper.

“I want you to tell me you know and to repeat it for me in 2nd person.”

“I’m surprised you know what the 2nd person is.” Baz laugh was shaky, but it was a laugh nevertheless and it made Simon smile.

“Tell me.” 

“I- You- You are happy.” Baz sounded unsure.

“Good. Go on.”

“You’re happy and you’re not scared of me. You are not leaving.” Baz voice was less hesitant now. “You love me. I love you too.”

“I love you and I know you love me too.” It didn't seem like enough words to describe what he felt.

 

For a few seconds, it was completely quiet until Baz tentative voice broke the silence.

"Take off the cross. If you're not scared then take it off." It was voiced like a demand, not a request, but Simon saw right through it. Baz voice was still shaking.

He took a step towards the window, opened it and ripped the necklace off his neck. For a moment, he held it up for Baz to see, then he threw it out of the window, four stories down.

 

"Better?" He asked and a relieved sigh escaped him when Baz nodded. "That's good. And now we are going to sit down and eat pizza because its Friday night and I haven't seen you all week and I just want to spend time with you, okay?" 

"Okay," Baz said and wiped the last tears from his cheeks. "I love you too, you know that, right?" 

"I know that. You are good at showing it." Simon smiled and hugged Baz tightly.

"That sounds like sarcasm when you say it like that." Baz muffled into Simon's shoulder.

"It's not. It won't ever be." Simons' voice is comforting and so are his hugs. Baz could stay here forever if life would let him.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on tumblr or send me a prompt! I'm [Amonet-writes](https://amonet-writes.tumblr.com) over there!


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